Experts say communication, education and openness remain key to improving intimacy and sexual well-being
By: Lonwabo Mtyeku | Photo Credit: Supplied
Seen Here: National Sex Day is sparking important conversations across South Africa as new research highlights the ongoing “pleasure gap” and the need for more open, honest communication about intimacy, wellbeing and healthy relationships. Photo Credit: Supplied
JOHANNESBURG – National Sex Day may be known for its playful social media jokes and light-hearted conversations, but experts say it also presents an important opportunity to address a more serious issue affecting relationships across South Africa: why so many women are still not reaching orgasm and why honest conversations about sexual satisfaction remain difficult for many couples.
New findings from the 2023 Durex Global Sex Survey reveal that while South Africans rank among the most sexually satisfied people in the world, significant gaps remain when it comes to communication, pleasure and understanding each other’s needs.
According to the survey, 64% of sexually active South Africans report being satisfied with their sex lives. However, the research also found that nearly three in ten South Africans (30%) have faked an orgasm, while only 52% have discussed their sex life with a partner in an effort to improve it.
The findings highlight what sexual health experts commonly describe as the “pleasure gap” – the disparity in how people experience sexual satisfaction and the extent to which they feel comfortable expressing their desires, concerns and expectations.
Communication Remains the Missing Link
While achieving orgasm remains an important aspect of sexual fulfilment for many people, experts believe the issue extends far beyond physical intimacy.
The survey found that 81% of sexually active South Africans believe orgasm is important for a satisfying sexual experience. Yet many still struggle to have open conversations about what brings them pleasure, creating barriers to mutual satisfaction.
Sex educator and sexual wellness advocate Lisa Welsh believes societal attitudes continue to shape how people experience intimacy.
“We’ve built an entire sexual culture around the male orgasm as the finish line. Then we act surprised when women don’t get there,” Welsh explains.
She argues that many adults were never taught how to discuss pleasure openly and were often raised in environments where sexuality was associated with shame rather than healthy communication.
“Pleasure was never a part of our sex education. As a result, many adults enter relationships without the language or confidence needed to communicate what they want and need,” she says.
Young South Africans Want More Honest Conversations
One of the survey’s most striking findings is the growing appetite among younger South Africans for better education around intimacy and communication.
Among respondents aged 18 to 24, almost half (46%) said they would like to learn more about communication in sexual relationships, while 40% expressed interest in gaining a better understanding of pleasurable sex.
These findings suggest that younger generations are increasingly viewing intimacy through a broader lens that includes emotional connection, communication and wellbeing rather than focusing solely on physical aspects.
Unlike previous generations, many young adults now access information through podcasts, social media platforms, online communities and sexual wellness content creators, helping to normalise conversations that were once considered taboo.
Sexual Health and Relationship Wellbeing
For health experts, discussions about intimacy are also closely linked to broader public health concerns.
South Africa continues to face significant challenges relating to HIV, sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies. While education around protection remains essential, there is growing recognition that discussions around communication, consent, emotional wellbeing and relationship satisfaction are equally important components of sexual health.
Kuvashni Bhagwandas says the survey findings reflect a clear demand for more open and informed conversations.
“When nearly half of young adults tell us they want to learn more about communication in sex, it highlights the importance of creating safe, informed and judgement-free spaces where these conversations can happen,” Bhagwandas says.
A Shift Towards Healthier Relationships
Experts believe the findings point to a broader cultural shift in how South Africans view intimacy and relationships.
Rather than treating sex as a subject confined to health classes or private conversations, more people are recognising the importance of communication, trust, emotional connection and mutual understanding in building fulfilling relationships.
The survey suggests that younger South Africans, in particular, are increasingly seeking guidance and information that helps them navigate intimacy in a healthier and more informed way.
As National Sex Day prompts conversations across the country, experts hope it will encourage couples to move beyond humour and stereotypes and engage in meaningful discussions about communication, consent, pleasure and emotional wellbeing.
Ultimately, they say, improving sexual satisfaction may have less to do with performance and more to do with creating environments where honest conversations can take place without fear, embarrassment or judgement.
With attitudes continuing to evolve, the message emerging from the research is clear: better communication remains one of the most powerful tools for building stronger, healthier and more satisfying relationships.
